depressions

note: this is just me at my depressed state. there's almost no point reading the following entry.

i have decided to keep track of my life during my last year in college with a semi-regular journal. when i say last year, i mean my fifth year (seventh actually as of this writing) and hopefully the last year i'm going to spend for my undergraduate course. i figured, since this is going to be one hell of a roller coaster ride, maybe it's going to be fun looking back at things now. bittersweet.

i used to say, i write for myself. but then a good writer-friend told me that we never write for ourselves. funny, i think he is right. we never really do anything without expecting in return. i remember my teacher in grade school saying, "even when we love, we expect to be loved. we may not know it consciously, but we do." i think it was in grade school where i also learned that nobody in this world is capable of loving unconditionally. i agree. only god can. but sometimes, my cynic self admits, maybe god is really just like one of us. but anyway, that is why i can't help but make face whenever i hear people say anything about them or somebody else they know who love unconditionally.

i am very thankful, in fact only god knows how much, that i have found somebody. he is somebody i really treasure. my friends asked me to describe my hubby in one word. i thought for a couple of seconds and then i answered, "my savior." he is always there whenever i need him. he is truly one hell of a companion. i love him dearly and i am happy. we are happy. i always tell him, and i hope he doesn't mind me saying it over and over again, that sometimes when i think of him, my eyes well up with tears. it is because i am so overwhelmed by his love, it swallows me whole in an instant.

i am proud to say that i am beyond my years. i attribute my whole being to my knowledge and experiences. i am strong, i know it. i have the habit of projecting myself into the future and i imagine myself already looking back, going over my life, what had happened, what i had done. and i feel boosted by the fact that i have braved through storms and storms in my life. i have survived every rock thrown at me. at times, life may have caught me offguard, but i faced everything with nothing but myself, my prayers and my god.

it just seems unfair that some people have to suffer silently. people who have everything yet have nobody to turn to for comfort, for help. people who already don't have anything to begin with, who don't have anyone to run to. but as they say, what doesn't kill you only makes you strong...or crazy.

right now i have alot of cares. lots to think about. lots to attend to. lots to do. lots to care for. i am spreading myself too thin again. i have to focus. funny, i know what i have to do, but i do not have the guts to take hold of myself.

lord, grant me courage
lord, grant me strength